Not So Hungry
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: People as a whole, are violent almost very day. Always plotting ways to hurt those that we hate, to get what we want. Most just don't act on those dangerous impulses. But some do. Some...like her. She wants to devour me. Really not sure if that's a good thing. Either way, I'm not leaving this world until I've had my fill. NarutoxRize. Part of the "Not Going Home" series!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Well, I've officially gotten into the world of Tokyo Ghoul. Wow, talk about your dark stuff...**

 **...but one thing rankled me. Rize. She amused me greatly, but I feel that they got rid of her way too soon in the anime/manga as a whole. I mean a psychotic chick like that...wow. Just wow. She gave me a major idea for this...**

 **As another note, this is a part of the standalone stories in the "Not Going Home" series as a whole, chronicling the adventures of our dimension hopping blond.**

 **Therefore, before reading this, I SERIOUSLY suggest you stop and read that, first.**

 **So, I've been going over reviews, and an anonymous reviewer said something that really resonated with me. I love to write. But sometimes, I feel that this gift owns me, rather than I, owning it. Its like a beast inside me, this urge to create, but I can't control it very well, which results in a LOT of new stories. So as of last night, and continuing throughout the week, I'm purging stories that won't be continued, or works that no one enjoys anymore.**

 **Let me know which ones you feel should be continued, before its too late! Don't worry, many of the major ones will remain, but anything from 2008-2009 is likely going out the window with all the rest of the trash, never to be seen again. This may seem sudden I know, but I'm only purging the forgotten fics that no one cares for. Fear not, its not going to be immediate, but it WILL happen, I simply wanted to get this out as a forewarning.**

 **FORTY MORE STORIES HAVE BEEN PURGED AS OF THE RELEASE OF THIS FIC! Literally, folks, for every new story/chapter I pump out, I'm deleting fics. It keeps my desires in check, and prevents so many fics from being backlogged for years and years and years. So, yup. Thirty more gone, now, and it won't be stopping until I get to the fics that are truly worthy of being kept.**

 **This will be of very few new stories I plan to release, god willing. If I have an idea, I plan to make it a damn good one before I just toss it out there, as I devote myself to my other works, soon to number into the hundreds, and potentially dozens as I whittle them down. I need to reassess why I want to write, for the joy of it, and I can't do that by letting you guys down with old, crappy stories I wrote in my early days.**

 **LET THE NEW ERA BEGIN! Also yes, I'm introducing what I hope is a new idea here, so** **..off we go! I proudly present DEVOUR!**

 **...once again, this is a part of the Not Going Home Series! Also, you can expect an update for A Sage in Oz very soon! I also fully credit the awesome Platinumsabr for borrowing a paragraph of his!**

 _"You taste...wonderful!"_

 _~Rize._

 **Bite**

 _I never understood why humans turn on one another._

 _Oh, we pray and preach and claim and denounce it, of course. Violence against your fellow man is wrong. You shouldn't hurt another human being. Talk about your feelings. Make love, not war. Blah, blah, blah. But on the inside we contemplate acts of violence every day. That punk, who cut in line ahead of you. The jerk who stole your parking spot. Those bratty co-workers who make your job a living hell. Your asshole of a landlord, who just. Won't. Get. Off! Your! Back!_

 _You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Don't you just want to take a swing at them, sometimes?_

 _We, people as a whole, think about violence every day. Most just don't act on those dangerous impulses. I do. Case in point; if an asshole hits a lady in front of me, I'm going to rip his head off. I see an opportunity for a prank? You bet your ass I'm going to go through with it. A beautiful woman asks me to go dancing, I'm going to do the cha-cha until the sun comes up._

 _Others act on them, too, these base emotions. Darker urges, darker desires._

 _Cannibals._

 _Take ghouls for example._

 _Who are they?_

 _Where do they come from?_

 _Why do they exist?_

 _What makes them devour human flesh?_

 _Why do these creatures, who for all intensive purposes appear human, act on their desires so much more readily than humans do?_ _This is the fiftieth realm I've visited, and for once, I'm genuinely at a loss._

 _Why?_

 _For the life of me, I don't understand them. When you've had an eternity to contemplate-and forget-things such as the meaning of life, you start to wonder, why? Why, why, WHY, would God ever create such a twisted creature in the first place? Not me, I'm talking about some other guy. I'll probably have to kill him once I'm done with this universe, too._

 _Because, much like a ghoul, I don't plan on leaving until I've eaten my fill..._

* * *

Rize could feel him watching her. His eyes bored a hole into her back, a curious expression fixed on those whiskered cheeks.

She _knew_ he was looking at her now; just as she'd been watching him for the last five minutes.

Like a predator and prey, neither willing to make the first move.

But which was which? Was she the predator, or the prey?

That was always the most exciting part for her.

Rize Kamishiro considered herself a woman of discerning taste; she knew what she wanted, and when she _wanted_ something, she went after it with everything at her disposal. She wasn't above using her charms to get her way, using her body, even. The taste of human flesh, _ahn,_ nothing could compare to it! She simply couldn't get enough~!

Which made the stranger's _-her meal, that is-_ arrival here all the more timely.

Anteiku was the perfect place to observe her meals. _Human_ meals. She didn't care for her other kind, whether they worked here or not. They tasted far too bland. After all, Rize preferred most of her meals raw and wet, still wriggling with fear. Savoring their terrified expression often proved even more delicious than the meal itself. None of that applied until she'd found just the right victim. So when she first laid eyes on the young man at the counter and saw him return her gaze, she knew she'd found what she'd been searching for.

Spiky blond hair, framing whiskered cheeks and blue eyes, a scar running lengthwise over the right, suggesting he might well be blind on that side. Interesting. The tan of his skin told her he wasn't the indoors type like that bibliophile sitting across the way; and the manner in which he held himself told her everything else she needed to know. Casual clothes, blue jeans, and a battered black jacket. Thin lips pursed now as he devoured a cup of ramen noodles with dogged determination.

And were those horns on his head? Bah, didn't matter. Cosplayer or not...

 _Rize knew she wanted him._

Not too much muscle, but _juuuust_ enough meat on the bone to give it the extra kick she loved. He looked so, so, sooooo tasty~! Perfect, even. A fine specimen indeed. Her mouth began to water at the thought, hunger rearing its ugly head despite her best efforts to control herself. Her hand rose almost imperceptibly, adjusting her glasses. Her tongue flitted out, licking her lips.

There was just one, tiny little problem. One thing that kept her from going over there and approaching him outright.

 _Why hadn't she seen him here before?_

She very much doubted he was an investigator, but she'd been coming to this cafe for ages, and the sudden arrival of a stranger seldom boded well for a ghoul such as her. Her suspicion was almost enough to slake her hunger. Almost, but not quite. He smelled absolutely _delicious_ and she wanted him.

 _Badly._

Was it worth the risk, though?

Sometimes she'd make a mistake and wind up with a fighter; someone who thought they could stand up to her, just before she devoured them. She supposed this would be another one of those but then again, she was in the mood for defiance today. Enough waiting.

Rising from her seat, she approached him.

The blond didn't take notice of her until she was almost on top of him; even then he seemed almost disinterested, finishing off his ramen as she neared, topping it off with a bit of coffee.

"Excuse me," she began in a deliberate, delicate voice, "Is this seat taken?"

Blue eyes swiveled towards her. Hmm. Not blind, then.

"Not at all."

She swept into the chair opposite him, smiling.

"Was there something you wanted?" he asked.

Rize smiled. "Nothing, really."

"Seems like an awful lot of something for you to come all the way over here." the blond drawled, resting his chin in a hand. His horned head tilted slightly, pearly whites flashing in the sunlight. It was the smile of a kind person she thought. A naive one. Oh, how little she knew.

"Do you have a name?"

"Rize."

Blue eyes fluttered open and shut.

"Naruto."

"Well, Naruto, I happen to know this wonderful place that serves the best ramen, and I thought you might be interested...

The subsequent smile lit up his face.

"Its a date, then."

* * *

Hours later, Rize's appetite finally got the better of her.

Naruto had proven an easy mark for someone who seemed so dangerous. He'd accepted her excuses for not eating much and hadn't asked very many questions until now. Even now, well after dusk, he remained happy and affable, amusing her with lighthearted jokes and the like. His

Just the way she wanted it.

It was so easy playing the weakness cared; just shed a few tears, pretend to be afraid, and men tripped all over themselves to help you. Naruto was no different, offering to walk her home without so much as a second thought. Pity he was so gullible It was almost enough to make her feel sorry for him tonight. Almost...almost...

So when she finally got him alone, when she'd finally led him away from everyone, from the lights of the city, from anyone who could see...she knew it was time. In the distance, the loud rattle of a passing train pushed itself through her ears, as though the heavens themselves were telling her it was time to act. The thought made her smile and, spinning, she turned to face him.

"Naruto-kun."

"Hmm?"

Rize deliberately leaned the full weight of her body against the baffled blond, placing her head just beneath his chin. Her fingers curled around the hardened fabric of his jacket, holding fast. There would be no escape for him now. Still she buried her head further into the hardened plane of his chest, playing up the part of an embarassed schoolgirl harping on her crush.

"I like you."

"...Neat."

Rize nearly faltered at his stoic expression, jerking away from him. "N-Neat?" she wasn't entirely sure why, but his nonchalance offended her.

"Yeah, neat." he yawned, scratching at his head. "You're hardly the first to confess to me; just the first in this universe, I guess. It starts to lose its luster after awhile, ya know? I mean, I barely even know you."

A dangerous smile plucked at the corners of her mouth.

"Do you know what I like most?"

"What?" he sighed, annoyed.

"Your scent."

"My wha-

In a lightning-fast move her neck arched up and her mouth found his shoulder, biting down with all her might. Instead of tasting flesh and blood however, Rize felt her teeth crunch down on bland metal. Yuck! Hissing in surprise she drew back, trying to get that foul taste out of her mouth. Her date recoiled, aghast.

"Hey! No biting until the second date, _dattebayo!"_

"What the hell are you made off?!" she exclaimed!

"Iron, at the moment." he grinned, rubbing his shoulder. "I'm afraid I'm not your usual meal. Awh, what~?" he reached out, twining a strand of her violet hair on his finger, azure eyes glittering merrily into her red. "Did ya really think you'd be able to devour a god like me if I didn't want you to?"

...you can't be serious. Aren't you afraid?"

"Not particularly, no. Freaked out? Pretty much."

Desire compelled what sh did next.

"I'm going to gently scramble up your insides for you now, okay?" she purred. "Hold still."

A hand closed on her wrist, locking down with surprising strength.

 _"Only if you let me screw your brains out, first."_

She couldn't help herself after that; laughter bubbled up, mad and mirthful, tearing itself free in a delighted cackle.

"There's something I like even more than your scent. Know what it is? Its pulling out _all_ the organs of someone who isn't trying to run away from me~!"

"I don't see anyone trying to-

Her kagune arced out, skewering him in the unprotected neck. His body went limp, hanging loosely on the scarlet tendril. It was a very good hit Rize thought, obliterating his jugular utterly, a clean through and through right in the windpipe. Impaled on her Kagune, he could only hang there, gurgling.

"Well, that's gonna scar...

Rize laughed at that, tossing him into another steel girder. "Oh, I like you~!"

"Feeling's mutual, ya know." he gurgled through a mouthful of blood, just before she smacked him down for a second time.

"Tag~!"

This time, he did not rise again.

"Ara," she frowned, "Did I kill you by accident?"

...not quite."

She wasn't expecting him to get back up.

"Hmm?"

Her gaze slid to the supposed corpse, her lips quirking slightly as it twitched. And then it spoke.

"Well, breaking the neck was an ultimately fruitless effort. But if its any consolation...

Naruto stood slowly, drunkenly, swaying on his feet. His head lay at an awkward angle, hanging loose. Disjointed. Slowly, jerkily, his arms reached up and snapped it back into place with a wet pop. Quietly, he pulled an immense piece of jagged iron from his stomach, uncaring for the blood that flowed forth from the wound. The scent of it nearly made her mouth water. Devour! That desire shriveled up as he turned his head, eerie eyes of golden amber boring into hers with terrifying temerity.

 _...that hurt like hell."_

A glimmer of confusion danced in Rize's eyes as he started forward her, a seed of anxiety planting itself in her heart.

"What are you?"

"Just a guy who loves ramen."

That was all she heard before he buried her in a wall.

 _Gack!_

Breath burst out of her lungs in an unexpected rush of gore; a bloody shower exploding from her lips as her spine crunched against steel. The sheer force of his punch blasted a hole right through her stomach, atomizing the flesh and carving itself into her body. _"Rasengan!"_ In the next instant a spiraling sphere-plunged into her wound, tearing at her body and, launching her away into the dirt. An attack like that would have butchered a human. Indeed, it likely would've destroyed an average ghoul...

...but not Rize.

By the time she landed she was already healing, the holes in her body stitching themselves shut to leave the crimson stains on her dress. Now she was well and truly hungry. Clamoring to her feet, she watched her prey climb down after her, alighting neatly on a nearby pipe.

"Okay, you're durable." Naruto blinked. "Probably shouldn't have held back, there."

Laughing, giggling madly, she leaped at him!

"Na~ru~to~kun~!"

"Okay, whoa! You're all kinds of crazy!" His body bent at an impossible angle, the four tentacles of her kagune sweeping harmless past his head as he rebuked her. Her heel shot out, only to find itself trapped in his fist, the rest of her leg following shortly thereafter. She struggled mightily but his grip was like a vice, refusing to let go.

"So this is a ghoul." Naruto drawled. "Gotta admit, I was really curious about ya'll. But now...

"Now?"

...I'm kinda disappointed." Then his arm slammed forward, dragging the rest of her body, kagune and all, with it.

 _Ground._

Breath burst out of Rize's lungs as her face became intimate with the hardened soil in a way that no self-respecting ghoul would possibly desire. She struck the soil with such force that her body actually bounced; only to snap back again as Naruto whipped her into the ground again, and again and again, until she was left lying in a human-sized depression in the earth. A small, squeaking groan escaped her lungs-overshadowed now by a gruff grunt as her adversary reached back down for her.

"Puny ghoul."

After that, Rize found herself in something akin to an out-of-body experience as she watched herself get pounded every which way by the blond...

...with almost no effort involved whatsoever.

Oh she felt the pain, felt the forces push her body in the decreed direction, but in her shock, she couldn't process any of it, much less counter. A punch to her right cheek cratered her face, and was immediately followed by one to her left, which flowed into yet another strike to her stomach, and to that a chop to the now-exposed back of her neck, summarily sending her to her knees only to be blasted backwards by the merciless kick to her face once there.

"What's wrong? I thought you were going to eat me?"

 _"Die!"_

Her kagune lashed out, only to shatter harmlessly against his chest. In recompense for her temerity another hand cracked out, burying itself in her chest and launching her away. A moment later a storm of steel girders dropped down on the blond from on high. Through bleary eyes she watched them ricochet away, as though deflected by some invisible shield-and were his eyes violet, just now? She couldn't tell, everything was moving so slowly, her head spinning wildly.

"Feisty!" he laughed, stalking towards her. "I think I'll keep you."

Rize lay there for a long moment, choking on her own blood.

"K...eep?"

"Yeah, I've dealt with crazy before, but you fit the bill." Before she could finish, he thrust an arm into her face.

"Here. Eat. Think of it as a reward."

She glowered up at him in disbelief, almost unable to believe what he was offering her. Red eyes snapped to his blue, then down to his arm, and back again. In the end her hunger, and her curiosity, won out. She made a small mewling sound and sank her teeth into the flesh of his wrist, biting down hungrily. _Chomp!_ Naruto shuddered slightly as her teeth drew first blood, but otherwise offered no protest as she devoured his arm. Rize gasped at the flavor flooding her mouth, distantly aware of the blond's pleased sigh.

"Ah, that's a good girl."

She just couldn't eat him fast enough; he simply regenerated whatever she ate. Like a glutton at a feast, she simply couldn't bring herself to stop.

 _Delicious._

For Rize, his flesh tasted better than the finest culinary cuisine; nothing could compare to it. She wanted more! More, more, more more more more more moremoremoremoreMOOOOORE! Euphoric, addictive, she found herself hooked from that first, fateful bite. It was impossible not to want it. He surpassed any meal she'd ever had before him, and would ever have again. He wasn't human. Couldn't be. Humans didn't taste like this-all her past meals were dirt by comparison.

Naruto laughed.

"I take it you enjoyed the meal."

Rize purred softly. "I...you...what are you?"

"Like I said, just a godly guy who likes ramen. Now...

"Now?"

His eyes spun, grinning madly.

...we paint the town orange."

She would only later realize that he'd been quite literal about those words.

 **A/N: WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAA BOY! Major shakeup here! Kaneki and Rize never happened, she went after Naruto that day instead of him. End result: they never went on that ill-fated date-never had that "accident" which means he never became a one-eyed ghoul. Which means...what exactly? Easy. All kinds of hell can happen, ESPECIALLY WITH RIZE AROUND...**

 **So...in the immortal words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly? OR RIZE-CHAN'S GONNA EAT YA! And of course, enjoy the preview!**

 **(Preview)**

 _Naruto facepalmed._

 _"Oi, Rize..._

 _"Hmm?"_

 _"What did I say about mid-afternoon snacks? If you're hungry, you can just eat me." They glowered at one another for a long moment, two killers, neither willing to yield. At last, Rize averted her eyes, pouting._

 _"I was looking for something new." she sighed, licking her lips. "Not that bland synthetic stuff you're trying to make, either." An ambitionless waif like her had no interest in this peaceful society he was trying to create; the only thing that kept her tied to him was the delicious taste of his flesh..._

 _..and his strange affinity for pranking the hell out of whomever proved unlucky enough to cross his path. Sometimes he even did it on a whim._

 _Like painting the entire CCG orange. Replacing all the investigator's quinque with panties and giant dildos._

 _Or flooding the streets with ramen and noodley broth._

 _Yes, she told herself, she stayed for his flesh..._

 _...and the laughs._

 _"You're drooling, again." Naruto pointed out._

 _Rize blinked. "Ara, I suppose I am."_

 _A blond brow was arched._

 _"So? Did he taste better than me?"_

 _The purplette shrugged and nudged Mado's mutilated body with her toe. As expected, the investigator didn't budge._

 _"Not really."_

 **What insanity is to come?! Stay tuned to find out! R &R~! =D **


	2. Binge

**A/N: Before we begin, a moment of silence for the terrible, terrible, terrible tragedy in Paris. Damn terrorist bastards! What gives you the right to take innocent lives like that, huh!? God, soooooo glad I didn't go there. I'd be a dead duck! What a loss of life...I can't even begin to put it into words. Guys...what happened was horrible. The bastards that did it deserve to BURN for what they've done. BURN, I say!**

 **BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!**

 **Alright, rant over, back to the rest of the notes. I've been HORRIBLY sick for the last few days, hence my lack of updates and such. Hopefully this will change soon and I won't have to worry about it overmuch. I wanted to get this out there at least and offer my condolences for all those who have lost loved ones in this terrible time.**

 **Anyhow, moving on.**

 **FORTY MORE STORIES HAVE BEEN PURGED AS OF THE RELEASE OF THIS FIC! Literally, folks, for every new story/chapter I pump out, I'm deleting fics. It keeps my desires in check, and prevents so many fics from being backlogged for years and years and years. So, yup. Thirty more gone, now, and it won't be stopping until I get to the fics that are truly worthy of being kept.**

 **This will be of very few new stories I plan to release, god willing. If I have an idea, I plan to make it a damn good one before I just toss it out there, as I devote myself to my other works, soon to number into the hundreds, and potentially dozens as I whittle them down. I need to reassess why I want to write, for the joy of it, and I can't do that by letting you guys down with old, crappy stories I wrote in my early days.**

 **LET THE NEW ERA BEGIN! Also yes, I'm introducing what I hope is a new idea here, so** **..off we go! I proudly present NOT SO HUNGRY!**

 **...once again, this is a part of the Not Going Home Series! Also, things get zany, silly, and a bit *ahem* ADULT in this chapter. If you don't like that sort of thing, don't read! If you do, I sincerely hope that you enjoy!**

 _"Delicious, absolutely delicious, I just can't get enough of you~!"_

 _~Rize._

 **Binge**

 _Ghouls like to eat._

 _And I don't just mean eat, as in the occasional meal, the odd snack, here and there. I mean DEVOUR; consume, engorge themselves, every other word involved with the art of culinary consumption. Honestly, I thought **I** was a bit of a pig when it came to eating ramen, but these people...these ghouls, well, they're another story altogether. Who creates a creature like this? A being virtually the same as a human being in all manners of flesh and bone and spirit, save their craving for flesh?_

 _I'm learning that the hard way during the last two weeks._

 _Fascinating stuff, really. I could write a book on what I've learned thus far._

 _For starters there are Ghouls, those who eat human flesh, then there's this CCG group and they're so-called "Doves" as Rize calls 'em._

 _Fancy name for those who hunt said ghouls._

 _You know, its kinda funny._

 _No matter how twisted some of these Ghouls may be **-NOTE TO SELF! Find and kill, kill, kill,**_ **KILL** _ **that damn "Jason" creep next time I see him. Bastard reminds me of someone I'd rather forget!-** there are men and women just as warped. Like that Amon fella. Freaky. I swear, he actually SAW me on one of my little scouting trips the other day. Might be sore with me after what Rize did. Have to watch him. He doesn't strike me as the evil type, but oi, who am I to judge? I stopped seeing the difference myself over a millennia ago._

 _But, yeah. Back to what I was saying earlier. Ghouls. They eat._

 _People._

 _Well, some seem to sustain themselves on the occasional meal, but others..._

 _...some are absolute glut-_

* * *

 _"Are you writing in that boring thing again?"_

The dimension-hopping deity stiffened, glancing up from his diary as a naked, muffled whisper snaked up from his stomach. A flicker of movement caught his eye, causing him to abandon his penmanship altogether. He glanced down. Swallowed. Thickly. Crapbaskets. Speaking of gluttons, he'd forgotten all about the most outrageous one of the lot!

"It's _not_ boring," he sighed as her arms circled his bare chest, pushing the weathered tome out of arms reach. "Its educational. My memory ain't what it used to be, what with all this dimension-hopping I've been doing. And Rize," Blue eyes flitted down to his lap, narrowing with a minute frown, "Just because you prefer to _read_ instead of write doesn't make me boring for doing so."

"Ara, is that so?" Sheets stirred around his lap, parting to reveal a tousled head of purple hair and full, smirking lips. "Funny," Bleary scarlet orbs -the color of blood- peered up at him intently, thick lashes draped with curtains of slumber, "I, seem to recall you didn't _read_ much into anything last night." Naruto forcibly bit his tongue to quell a snicker as still more of his lover emerged from the bed sheets at his lap; but his reply was mercilessly muffled by her mouth on his; her tongue fierce, insistent, probing, _distracting_...

Even so, he couldn't quite contain his smile as she pushed him back to the sheets.

 _Bedhead._

The supposedly frail-looking, eerie creature straddling him, this angelic being who valued her appearance so, was an absolute mess come morning. Strands of mess purple hair stuck plastered to her cheeks, lending her an almost comical appearance as she rode him. It was so adorable he almost snorted-but that was a surefire way to get his little man bitten off, so he refrained.

For now.

"Neh, Narutooooooo...

"Hmm?" he blinked, coming back to himself as her hands cupped his face. Her expression would've caused most men to soil themselves; the deity barely batted an eyelash. For a moment, just a moment, he thought he saw something dark dancing in those matchless eyes.

"I'm ravenous~!" The rest of Rize's body emerged from the tangle of bedding, part of which appeared to be on the floor, and she wound her long legs around his lower torso, holding him fast. "What do you intend to do about that?" Her breasts brushed his chest tempting at him with her proximity as she pushed him still further to the floor. Belatedly, the whiskered warrior blinked, realizing something. _Ahhh._ They must've wound up on the floor somehow, last night. Again. How many times did that make it this week, now?

"I _thought_ I took care of that last night," Naruto said. His voice sounded smug, even to his ears. Perhaps he was. Ghouls didn't tire as easily as humans did, and his ally certainly wasn't lacking in...stamina.

"Che."

If a pillow had been within reach Rize would have flung it at him. As it were, she contented herself to a small smile and relented, nestling her head against his chest. His heart thudded against her ear; the strong, steady beat a sure sign of his life, of the flesh and blood she so desperately craved. Was that it, then? Had she become addicted to him? That must be it. Even so, a few days ago she never would have done such a thing. Never would've thought of it. Never would've even _contemplated,_ such a blatant act of outright affection. Yet here she was, lying with him, instead of trying to chew his face. Of course, even she knew he was using her, just as she was using him.

Funny how it worked, that way. Although...

"So?" sitting up, the purplette fixed him with a lustful look. "How long are you going to keep me waiting?"

A beat of awkward silence followed, lingering in the hotel room. And then.

And then:

"How the hell are you still hungry?!"

"You're making that face again." she murmured, drawing away.

"Face?" he blinked, feigning innocence as she peered up at him. "What face? I have no idea what you're talking about. Oi! What's with that face, eh?! You totally don't believe me!" Rize stared back at him, her peerless eyes reflecting nothing short of disdain. Humming softly, her lips brushed his ear:

"For a so-called god, you're a shitty liar."

Naruto sweatdropped.

"What is this, _Noragami_ , oi...?"

"I still think its boring, though." red-black eyes cast an errant glance at his discarded journal, narrowed. Splat. Before he could think to ask what she was doing her back opened, her kagune arcing out to snatch the old, weathered tome from where it lay. Curling it toward herself, she snatched it up and flipped the cover open. "Why write in this musty old thing, anyway? Ah." A pause. "So, I'm a glutton, am I?" Snapping it shut, she all but tossed the journal back at the blond, who caught it with a deft flick of the wrist.

"Maybe you should try it, sometime." he offered, setting it aside "Writing, that is. A hobby might help you with your cravings."

"Trying to reform me?" a sneer.

"Hey, it could work." Naruto scoffed, lips brushing her neck, "Remember what happened the last time...

Rize simply beamed, shuddering softly.

"What? It all worked out in the end."

"And the kid had nothing to do with it." Azure orbs flicked up to her.

Her smile faltered, every so slightly.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Sure ya don't...

* * *

 _(Flashback...)_

* * *

 _"You...you're just a ghoul..._

 _'Ah. That's right. Just a ghoul.' Rize pondered quietly, licking her lips as she stared down at the investigator's corpse. Mado, she vaguely remember his name was. Ugh. Bad taste. Horrible taste. As foul as the man she'd fought. Killed. Why had she killed him, again? She couldn't remember. Her last coherent thought was one of walking, with Naruto. He'd finally let her after days upon days upon DAYS of isolation, and she'd been craving action. Violence._

 _Chaos._

 _Like a midsummer night's dream, she recalled seeing the couple; mother and daughter both, pausing just long enough to see them turn, to try and walk in the other direction. Curiosity aroused, she pursued them. More walking, following..._

 _...and now she was here, her kagune tearing apart a Dove, ripping him limb from limb. There had been another, she recalled, she'd flung him somewhere. Not important. Try as she might-she couldn't drive the thoughts from her mind. They were like were like worms, nasty maggots crawling into her brain tissue and filling it with rot._

 _"And you're just dead."_

 _It was upon this very scene that her "handler" happened. He must've followed her; because suddenly he was there, his shadow looming over like a curtain. She barely even glanced in his direction, instead painstakingly licking her fingers clean before finally gracing him with her attention._

 _"Oh." she exhaled, a dreamy look in her eyes, "There you are."_

 _Naruto facepalmed._

 _"Oi, Rize..._

 _"Hmm?"_

 _"What did I say about mid-afternoon snacks? If you're hungry, you can just eat me. Ah. Wait. Thaaaat came out wrong...but still!" They glowered at one another for a long moment, two killers, neither willing to yield. At last, Rize averted her eyes, pouting. She did a small spin, stepping over the prone bodies of her victims-shame about missing that last one-dithering a moment longer before replying._

 _In the end, she lied._

 _"I was looking for something new." she sighed, licking her lips. "Not that bland synthetic stuff you're trying to make, either. A treat!" Yes, she told herself, an ambitionless waif like her had absolutely no interest in this peaceful society he was trying to create; the only thing that kept her tied to him was the delicious taste of his flesh...she just had to keep telling herself that..._

 _..and his strange affinity for pranking the hell out of whomever proved unlucky enough to cross his path. Sometimes he even did it on a whim._

 _Like painting the entire CCG orange. Replacing all the investigator's quinque with panties and giant dildos. Part of the reason this Mado fellow never stood a chance. He'd opened his briefcase to find nothing but a pair of black, lace delicates staring back at him. Naruto's handiwork, no doubt. This smacked of something he would do._

 _Or flooding the streets with ramen and noodley broth._

 _Yes, she told herself, she stayed for his flesh..._

 _...and the laughs._

 _But he wasn't laughing now, and neither was she. In fact, he was looking rather tasty..._

 _"You're drooling, again." Naruto pointed out._

 _Rize blinked. Touched a hand to her mouth. "Ara, I suppose I am."_

 _A blond brow was arched._

 _"So?" his gloved hand waved leisurely, " **Did** he taste better than me?"_

 _The purplette shrugged and nudged Mado's mutilated body with her toe. As expected, the investigator didn't budge. After a moment's hesitation she lifted a sandal and stomped down, rendering the dove's face so much bloody paste upon the pavement. Uck. He'd tasted foul. Like fish intestines on the verge of spoiling. Why had she thought he would be any different? Or was he even the reason? She didn't know, anymore. And...part of that, the not knowing, frightened her._

 _For the longest time, she'd been alone. Survival of the fittest, for the fittest, BY the fittest. Now, suddenly, she wasn't anymore. And it was making her...strange. She didn't like strange. Strange meant she couldn't even begin_

 _"Not really."_

 _Without another word she turned and marched out of the alley._

 _After a moment, her erstwhile ally followed in her wake._

 _So too, did his voice, drawling ever-so-softly._

 _"Oi, I had no idea you were a softie."_

 _She nearly faltered in her step._

 _"Don't say that."_

 _Naruto kept walking, brushing past her. Indignation, hot and angry, bubbled up in her._

 _"DON'T SAY THAT!"_

 _"Ahhhh?" a blue eye appeared over his shoulder, sparkling with delight. "And why else would they be important to you, hmm? Admit it. I'm rubbing off on you."_

 _Rize made a disgusted noise._

 _"I'd sooner eat horse shit."_

 _"I've got a better one; babe, you do care."_

 _She instantly backhanded him. The blond burst out laughing, riding the blow to the the nearest wall, cackling like a madman. Somewhat to her surprise..._

 _...so did she._

 _Great, whooping giggles erupted out of her and she clutched at her stomach. It took her several minutes before she realized they weren't giggles. Sobs. Sobbing. She was crying. Rize didn't rightly know why she was laughing so suddenly; why she was crying, even._

 _Still, the question persisted, hauntingly so._ _She told herself it had nothing to do with the little girl cowering in her mother's arms-not those who had long since run away. Rize told herself that they didn't matter, that she hadn't heard them, hadn't seen them, hadn't HELPED them. No, it hadn't been for them. She'd done it for herself. She DESPISED the notion of helping others. She only cared for herself. No one else. To even begin to try and consider otherwise was so anathema to who she was that it almost made her ill._

 _But, if not for them..._

 _...why had she done this, then?_

 _Why indeed-_

* * *

 _(End Flashback)_

* * *

"AHA!"

She blinked rapidly.

"Ah! A finger thrust itself into her cheek once more; poking her face, accusing. "I knew it! You _do_ care!"

Rize bristled immediately at the accusation, drawn from the memory by his questing touch. Instinct took over and she chomped down on the digit with all her might snapping it off just above the knuckle. From there, it was a simple matter to take the severed finger into her mouth with her tongue and chew it to bloody pieces. Like a french fry. HA! Just thinking of it was enough to make her consider going back for seconds. The flavor, the texture, the sweet, sweet sensation of it tumbling in her stomach...more. She needed more, WANTED more, more. More. More moremoremoremoremore...

More!

Before she could stop herself she sank her teeth into the rest of his hand; tearing bone and flesh free before her lover had a chance to harden his skin. Naruto guffawed loudly, laughing as he stared at the twitching remnant of his hand. Blood spurted out in vain protest, bits of white bone thrusting itself out of the skin with ghoulish indifference. Even as he looked on, fleshed molded itself across the broken muscle and bone, its ruined, ravaged state slowly unwinding before his very eyes.

"Ow!" he cried, slightly put out by the sight, "I need that, ya know!"

"Stingy." came the humming reply as she continued chewing, spattering him with gore. "Girl's gotta eat, ya know."

"Oi! That's no reason to-

Something else flashed n the dark ppols of her eyes and that small, sly smile turned sinister.

"I can think of a few more reasons."

In the next instant, she pounced!

"Oi, I told you no snacks before or after _-bwah?!"_ The blond uttered a soft hiss of surprise as he felt the telltale pain of teeth sinking into the supple flesh of his neck. Halfheartedly he tried to shake her off. Too late, Rise's mouth had already latched onto his shoulder with an almost dogged determination, only to begin moments later. Regeneration wasn't so much painful as it was unpleasant, the odd, numbing sensation of his shoulder, stitching itself back together against the ripping, tearing beauty atop him.

And then, as suddenly as her feast had begun, so too, did it end.

 _"Delicious, delicious, delicious!"_ Rize purred like a contented kitten and snuggled up to him, her hunger momentarily sated. " _Absolutely delicious, I just can't get enough of you~!"_

Naruto continued to offer a token resistance for a moment longer before actually giving in.

That's right.

He didn't _have_ to change her.

She was doing that much all on her own. Although...

 _...although it'd be nice if she didn't try to devour him every morning!_

* * *

 **A/N: WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAA BOY! Major shakeup here! Kaneki and Rize never happened, she went after Naruto that day instead of him. End result: they never went on that ill-fated date-never had that "accident" which means he never became a one-eyed ghoul. Which means...what exactly? Easy. All kinds of hell can happen, ESPECIALLY WITH RIZE AROUND...**

 **So...in the immortal words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly? OR RIZE-CHAN'S GONNA EAT YA! And of course, enjoy the preview! 'Tis a bit of funny and serious all at once!**

 **(Preview)**

 _Naruto felt his right eye begin to twitch as he stood outside Anteiku._

 _Violently._

 _"What did you do."_

 _"Alright," Rize began, swallowing nervously, "But you can't be angry. I did it for a reasn!" She fidgeted restlessly in place, seeming to wilt beneath his gaze. That should have been when he realized what was going on; Rize NEVER fidgeted, never balked, never backed down. Ever. That she was doing so now only intensified the gravity of what she might-or-might-not have done. The blood on her face certainly didn't make matters any better._

 _"What. Did. You. DO?!"_

 _In response she stepped aside..._

 _...exposing the alley._

 _"Surprise!"_

 _Touka nearly spat as the slim ghoul stepped aside._

 _"Shitty Rize! What the hell is this?!"_

 _When he saw what they were looking at, Naruto's twitch became an outright spasm._

 _"Oh for the love of..._

 **WHAT DID RIZE DO?! What insanity is to come?! Stay tuned to find out! R &R~! =D **


	3. I Don't Look For Trouble

**A/N: Before we begin, a moment of silence for another terrible, terrible, terrible tragedy in France. Damn crazy motherfucker! What gives you the right to take innocent lives like that, huh!? God, soooooo glad I didn't go there. I'd be a dead duck! What a loss of life...I can't even begin to put it into words. Guys...what happened was horrible. The bastard that did it deserve to BURN for what he's done. BURN, I say!**

 **BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!**

 **Alright, rant over, back to the rest of the notes. In case anyone's been wondering what's kept me away, its been a combination of health issues and relentless hatred and flames on nearly everyone of my stories. Seems someone doesn't like me and has gone to great lengths and anonymous accounts to beat me down. Which brings me to the next item on the good old agenda here. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT!**

 **I've been flooded with PM's, reviews, and other means of support and I just wanted to say to all those out there, thank you. You're too good to me, you guys really are, and its supports and praise like yours that keeps me writing.**

 **Also, been reading a few new marvel issues. Cosmic Cube, anyone? Kobik?** **Enjoy the little interlude! There's plenty more good stuff to come! Now...**

 **...of we go! THIS CHAPTER IS PURE CRACK AT ITS FINEST! Its not meant to be taken seriously; if anything, its meant to give you all a good giggle in this otherwise sad and dark time. A lot of silly, zany, sugary sweet nonsense awaits you within, and hey, is that PLOT I see in this chapter? Well, I do believe it is! On you go dear readers and be sure to leave a review and tell me what ya think!**

 _"I don't look for trouble."_

 _"Riiiiight. Because trouble just LOOKS for you."_

 _~Rize and Naruto!_

 **I Don't Look For Trouble...**

 _I may have erred._

 _There._

 _I said it._

 _Looking back, I may have made the tiniest mistake in taking someone like Rize on without...precautions._

 _Perhaps, had I known how wild she was, I would've reconsidered. Not to say I regret anything, mind you. Its rare to find someone so driven, someone willing to cast off all the rules and prejudices of society for the sole purpose of satisfying themselves. Most usually have a goal of some sort in mind. Precious few throw even that aside for the sake of sheer satisfaction. I've only ever met a handful of individuals willing to go that far, so quickly. Unless you count that one time in Akame ga Kill. No shortage of nasty bitches and bastards to kill, there!_

 _Not My Kill indeed!_

 _Now THAT is a tale worth telling! Maybe I will, someday._

 _But back to THIS story._

 _See, compared to what had happened thus far, most of Rize's antics were still pretty tame until this point-which is saying something! Replicating Red Child cells is actually fairly simple once you know what they are. Its just a matter of trial and error when you have near-absolute power. Its...well, it gets downright easy, once you've practiced. Its also VERY tempting to do something you shouldn't. I was tempted to simply eradicate all ghouls to begin with. Make them normal, ya know? Solve the problem right then and there. Sadly, there are some universal rules that even **I** can't bend._

 _There are some that I can BREAK, though._

 _Take my encounter with a swell little place known as Pleasant Hill for example. Have I told you that story, yet? Hmm? I haven't. Lets summarize._

 _Crazy._

 _Sadistic._

 _Manipulative._

 ** _BA~STA~RDS._**

 _I've done-and seen-some fucked up shit in my day, but that place took the cake. To strip someone of their memories, their thoughts, their very identities-even I don't pull that crap! I always give people a choice. These guys, even if they were villains, they didn't deserve that. Didn't matter if it was a different universe, different S.H.I.E.L.D and all...no. Just no. No one deserves to have their self taken away from them. Toss 'em in jail, yeah, throw away the key, hell, even kill 'em if they're that much trouble. But try to play GOD with peoples lives...not even I do that!_

 _You can imagine what I did when I found out._

 _Blew those little shits up, I did!_

 _That asinine director, too._

 _Then I took their stuff..._

 _...including a very special little girl._

 _Sooo...see where I'm going with this, yet?_

 _No?_

 _Have you ever tried arguing with a little girl born from Cosmic Cubes, hmm? A girl who can alter reality with a snap of her fingers? Have you ever tried RAISING such a being? Mentoring? Someone whose prone to go off the rails, as all children are wont to do, and make mischief. Even then, I could at least GUIDE her in the right direction. My direction. She has a good heart, that one._

 _Rize, though..._

 _Basically, its like trying to lead a horse to water. You can lead it, but you can't make her drink if she doesn't want to._

 _You can shove its head underwater, but it'll just drown._

 _Rize's the same. I_ _f said horse were an ever-hungry, often heartless, voluptuous, murdering psychopath who viewed everyone around her as little more than walking meatbags for her amusement. Add to that the fact that she adores dining on them at her leisure-sometimes while they're still living-and you can imagine the trouble. Still, I was/and am never one to shirk a hopeless cause. I mean, if I can take an entity of ABSOLUTE EVIL-not naming names here, folks-and convince them of the error of their ways, then surely I can do it again._

 _Right?_

 _Of course, things went sideways when a pair of officers took it into their heads to arrest us._

 _The crime?_

 _Well...yeah, **that** part was mostly my fault..._

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

"Have you lost your mind?"

"One cannot lose what one no longer possesses, Rize-chan!" Naruto's head popped up through a tangle of wires and circuitry, blue eyes twinkling merrily. "Now, would you kindly _stay_ in that chair? I need to make sure the amplifier's tuned just right. Otherwise...implications unpleasant."

"I don't have much choice!" the ghoul snapped back, glowering down at him. "You strapped me into it!"

"For your own safety." the blond reassured, mussing her hair. "Just relax. You're not in any danger...mostly."

"MOSTLY?!"

Before Rize could think to reprimand him he disappeared again, vanishing into the depths of the machine with his wrench and setting about himself once more. Rize bit her lip to keep herself from snapping at him. He'd asked for a bit of her blood and she'd given it, begrudgingly. His requests were always odd but he amused her regardless, so she answered him.

Now he was using her gifts for...

...something else.

But even _she_ found herself befuddled as the spire continued to rise around her prone form at a frantic pace, a labor of love administered by hundreds of thousands of clones. Each copy seemed to take its work unusually seriously, hardhats and suspenders all. There were even foremen! Others Naruto's hollering orders at OTHER Naruto's. It was almost comical, really because they were crafting in mere minutes what would normally take decades to build, a veritable skyscraper-sized device. It would have been all that and more if she could simply walk up and sink her teeth into one of them, too.

Unfortunately, she couldn't.

Part of the "construction" apparently involved her being strapped to a chair hooked up to wires and surrounded by a strange array of seals!

What the hell was he trying to pull?

The machine-whatever the hell this abomination might be-was a great, towering monstrosity the like of which she'd never seen, all bright orange paint, jutting angles and cordless symmetry. Its only uniform purpose was unknown to her, as where the strange dishes it bore. Their purpose she didn't understand, and quite frankly, a part of her didn't want to. She held no interest in cold, unfeeling machinery, true, but couldn't deny a faint unease as it took shape around her. He'd been working on it for the better part of the day now though, in broad daylight no less.

In the middle of Tokyo.

During rush hour.

Had anyone told her Rize she'd willingly submit to this torment three weeks ago, she would have laughed in their faces. Then eaten them. But looking out at all those empty cars-a freeway utterly devoid of those people-to see them birds frozen in time like something out of some old sci-fi movie, well...seeing is believing as they say. To collectively stop time across the entire country _and_ teleport the entire populace out of harm's way was a feat no ghoul could ever manage.

Of course, that was bound to draw attention, and Rize didn't understand why.

Was that his aim?

Was he trying to draw someone out?

She didn't know.

Didn't care.

She just wanted out of this damned _chair!_

"Aunt Rize," a small voice cried from her lap, "I'm _booooored."_

Naruto's sigh reverberated from deep within the hull of his project not a moment later.

"Just give me a minute, sweetie. Almost...ow!"

Kobik laughed and clapped, drawing a faint smile from Rize, only she ruthlessly suppressed.

And then there was this brat!

Bad enough that she was confined to this infernal seat and forbidden from moving or even using her kagune, but she had to deal with _another_ all-knowing being who possessed the attention span of a five year old. Wait. This one actually _was_ five years old. Five years old, and capable of stopping time with a thought. Among...other things. Rize didn't rightly know who she really was or where she'd come from. She had simply _appeared_ at their door early one morning, looking for Naruto.

Rize had nearly turned her away outright until the blond himself elbowed her aside and swept the wee tyke up in his arms, laughing like a madman.

A little girl with dark hair, wearing a white dress, and a smile like sunshine.

Hard to be believe someone like _her_ possessed near universal power.

But she did all the same and in spite of all that there was a purity to her that startled Rize, one that she'd not seen anywhere else. It was as if there wasn't so much as a single stain on her pristine soul-if one believed in such things-an angelic being, truly incapable of understanding the difference between good and evil. She wasn't like normal children, which was good, in a sense.

Rize didn't like children.

It wasn't that she hated them per se, they just...made her terribly uneasy. The mere presence of one stirred an uncomfortable longing in her that wasn't entirely borne from hunger anymore. This thrice damned urge had been nagging at her ever since she'd slaughtered that dove and saved that little ghoul girl and her mother. It had been an accident, mere happen-stance that she'd even stumbled into them in the first place. But the little one had looked at her, thanked her, and somehow something had stuck.

At first she hadn't given it a second thought. Until Naruto started pestering her, insisting she'd done the right thing.

The more she thought about it, the more she realized she had.

Now Rize regretted ever pausing to consider it at all.

Plenty of regret!

So much!

Now, whenever she was near anyone under the age of fifteen, she got weak in the knees. She wanted to hold one. Brush their hair. Hear their laughter. It was even worse with little girls. As if sensing her very thoughts, _this_ child had latched onto her-nay, to have taken a liking to her! Aunt Rize indeed! When the hell had she gotten so damn soft, eh?! OI! She hadn't been like this before that blond bastard showed up! There hadn't been any of this crap floating around in her head!

"Naruto does that to people."

Rize's head snapped down with such force she was sure she'd popped a vein.

"What?"

"Naruto." the girl born from the Cosmic Cube chirped happily, looking up at her with dark eyes. "He's a good guy, so he tends to make friends. And then those friends end up being good, too." Rize scowl must've slipped because the little girl's grin grew. "I don't think he even realizes he does it at all. He just...changes people."

"So its his fault?!"

"No," Kobik shook her head. "You changed on your own. He can't _make_ you do things like I can. I don't think he knows how." she smiled at that. "He's nice, and he doesn't try to trick me like the red guy did. S'ides, I'd never make _you_ change, Auntie."

Despite herself, the purplette colored. Desperate to chance the subject she grasped at a new topic, any topic.

"How did the two of you meet, anyway?"

"He's nice, so I followed him when he came to visit." she said simply. "Oh," the little girl paused, considering. "And he's like me. I like that. He likes to throw parties, too."

Rize blinked, flabbergasted.

"Parties?"

 _"Surprise_ parties." Kobik clarified, beaming. "Picnics, too!"

Well.

That was over-simplifying it.

"He's also dumb, sometimes." Kobik whispered conspiratorially. "One time he actually-

"STOP!" Naruto's muffled voice squawked beneath the machine! "Stop, stop, stop! We are not mentioning that incident!"

"You should really tell me." Rize prodded, reveling in the blond's unease.

"'Kay!'

 _"Aaargh!"_

Unbidden, the ghoul found herself smiling again-gah! No! Dark thoughts! Violence and blood!

"Aaaaaaand got it!"

"Wait, what you ha-EEK!"

Rize yelped in surprise as she heard a switch be thrown; then she didn't hear anything else. A sharp jolt surged throughout her body all at once, her hair standing on end. Kobik giggled, legs swinging merrily, her body radiating a faint blue glow from her precarious perch in the ghoul's lap. The ghoul was slightly less pleased. But the sensation abated soon enough, leaving her skin tingling.

"What the hell was that?!"

"Nothing." Naruto's voice answered a little too quickly. With that the horned deity finally crawled out from under the machine, she was just about ready to tear herself from the chair. When he waved a hand her binding restraints flew free all at once and the glutton all but bolted upright, glaring bloody red daggers at him, only distantly remembering to set Kobik down at all.

"Never do that again!" her words were all but a snarl. "And what did you do to me?!"

Naruto simply turned and pointed.

Rize followed his gaze.

For a moment she didn't rightly understand what she was looking at.

As she looked up at the newly constructed tower, she realized one of two things. First, time had reasserted its claim on the world once more; because everything was clearly moving again. Second, Naruto's "device", the very one she'd been strapped to, had clearly performed some function of some sort.

 _Because the sky had gone red._

As if a giant paint-brush had reached across and slashed through the clouds, the heavens had turned scarlet. No. Not completely. Even now she could still see flecks of blue through the rapidly-gathering haze, but, with each passing moment the strange red mist became more and more prominent. Soon enough, it became thick enough to taste...

Wait.

She knew this taste.

It was coming from the tower itself.

"What...what did you do?"

"I borrowed some of your RC cells and distilled them with what I've been gathering." he declared proudly, smiling at her shock. "Surprised? I decided that if I couldn't simply cure everyone, who not go for the next best thing." blue eyes glinted at the heavy red mist "Mix 'em with human RC and I just needed a bit of blood to jump start the process. Blood from a ghoul with a mature kagune. Its highly concentrated; in theory, all you'd need to do is open your mouth and WHAM! Instant snack. Not terribly tasty I know, but its filling. Sorry I had to tie you down, but I had to be sure. Its a start, I guess."

"Enjoyed having me tied up that much, did you?" she hissed.

Naruto arched a slender eyebrow.

"Don't read too much into it."

The ghoul girl scoffed.

"Come here."

Dark scarlet orbs-ever the color of blood-peered up at him intently, thick lashes draped with curtains of desire, "Funny. I seem to recall you didn't _read_ much into anything this morning." Naruto forcibly bit his tongue to quell a snicker as still more of his lover drifted closer and took hold of his face; but his reply was mercilessly muffled by her mouth on his; her tongue fierce, insistent, probing, _distracting_...

"Eeew, gross!" Kobik cried. "YUCK!"

At least it was, until they heard the sirens.

Rize looked up, grinning.

 _"Lovely."_

"Must you always look for trouble?" Naruto sniped.

"I don't look for trouble." she protested. "Trouble looks for me."

"Eh, fine." her partner shrugged. "They were bound to show up sooner or later after a stunt like this. Not like they can get through the barrier I put up at any rate, but...

Blue eyes slid to Kobi, narrowing.

"Care to have a bit of fun?"

The little girl grinned.

"Yay!"

Now, Rize didn't have a particularly high opinion of law enforcement these days. Particularly police. Years of chaotic co-existence had left him jaded where the law was concerned. They always feel into one of three old, but predictable categories. They were either: (A) Straight as an arrow to the point of ruining her fun, (B) Corrupt to the point where it was easier to just kill them and be done with it or, (C) So woefully incompetent, as to actually be as a danger to themselves as they were others.

So it came as a bit of a surprise when she found that some officers were actually capable of _doing_ their job and doing it well.

Within three minutes, the first pair had reached them, and two rather simple-looking men in uniform. Not Doves, then.

"You three! Halt!"

Interesting.

"You're coming with us." the lead said, upon reaching them.

Rize sniffed.

"Let me think abo-no."

"On what charges?" Naruto stepped in smoothly, interposing himself between her and her soon-to-be victims. Both men must've thought the sword on his back was a prop of a some sort; had they any idea the scope of such a weapon, they would've left well enough alone. Alas, as they did not...

"You are under suspicion of associating with ghouls. You will surrender them a-and come with us." one said, sputtering slightly when the blond reached around to the sword on his back. "D-Don't move!" When the blond made no move to answer, he frantically reached for his pistol.

Rize's mouth formed a thin line, lips pursed in annoyance.

"Ohhhhhh, I don't think you want to do that."

The horned deity nodded in agreement.

"She may be quiet, but she's fierce."

In the end, Rize didn't have to do anything.

"You didn't see anything." Kobik raised a hand, fingers crooked in a negligent gesture. Before her very eyes, both men stiffened as one, eyes snapping to the smiling child. "Not a thing." Then their expressions went slack, eyes becoming glazed. It was as if a strange spell had fallen over them, dulling their very senses. Naruto and his "daughter" exchanged a childish look.

"We didn't see anything." the officers replied in a monotone.

Rize's brow shot up straight to her hairline.

 _"These aren't the girls you're looking for."_ Naruto added, humming.

"These are not the girls we're looking for." was their bland response.

Kobik was openly giggling by now, and Rize felt tempted to join her.

 _"You think you're a pair of chickens!"_

Impossibly the blond's grin grew.

 _"You want to run through the city,"_ Naruto intoned slowly, _"Naked, espousing the glory of ramen. Ramen is love. Ramen is life."_

"We are chickens. We want to run through the city, naked, espousing the glory of ramen." came the chant.

"Now off with you, my sons!" the blond cried! "Spread the word!"

Rize couldn't help herself; she burst out laughing as they did just that, rapidly divesting themselves of clothes and undergarments both before performing an about face. Naruto made a dismissive shooing gesture and off they went, shouting and hollering like absolute fools, unbeknownst to just how thoroughly they'd been had. Within minutes they were lost in the red mist, their shouts still booming off the buildings in a seemingly neverending manta, clucking loudly proclaiming the joy of ramen in all their naked glory.

"That! Was! Awesome!" Kobik did a little dance and twirled, beaming like the sun itself. "Did you see the looks on their faces?!"

"Priceless!" he agreed!

"How did you do that?"!

Naruto snickered and wiggled his fingers.

"Good ol' Star Wars. Works every time."

 **A/N: WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAA BOY! Major shakeup here! Kaneki and Rize never happened, she went after Naruto that day instead of him. End result: they never went on that ill-fated date-never had that "accident" which means he never became a one-eyed ghoul. Which means...what exactly? Easy. All kinds of hell can happen, ESPECIALLY WITH RIZE AROUND...**

 **So...in the immortal words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly? OR RIZE-CHAN'S GONNA EAT YA! And of course, enjoy the preview! 'Tis a bit of funny and serious all at once!**

 **(Preview)**

 _Naruto looked up._

 _Up._

 _UP._

 _"Well." he managed, his smile fading. "That's quite the form you've got there."_

 ** _"Glad you like it."_**

 _"I wouldn't say like-_

 _That was all he got out before Eto barreled him._

 _Her hand closed around empty air._

 _YOINK._

 _When next she looked, she saw the blond's retreating back._

 _"Get juked, bitch!"_

 _"Oh, motherfucker! You did not just do that!"_

 _"You'll never take me alive!"_

* * *

 _"Well, at least you haven't killed..._

 _Naruto exhaled quickly._

 _Sharply._

 _Angrily._

 _A familiar scent reached him._

 _Naruto felt his right eye begin to twitch as he stood outside Anteiku._

 _Violently._

 _"What did you do."_

 _"Alright," Rize began, swallowing nervously, "But you can't be angry. I did it for a reason!" She fidgeted restlessly in place, seeming to wilt beneath his gaze. That should have been when he realized what was going on; Rize NEVER fidgeted, never balked, never backed down. Ever. That she was doing so now only intensified the gravity of what she might-or-might-not have done. The blood on her face certainly didn't make matters any better, no not in the least._

 _"What. Did. You. DO?!"_

 _In response she stepped aside..._

 _...exposing the alley._

 _"Surprise!"_

 _Touka nearly spat as the slim ghoul stepped aside._

 _"Shitty Rize! What the hell is this?!"_

 _When he saw what they were looking at, Naruto's twitch became an outright spasm. It wasn't just a corpse. A corpse he could have handled. Maybe even a dozen. That was neither here nor there._

 _"Oh for the love of..._

He was looking at a small mountain of Doves.

 **What insanity is to come?! Stay tuned to find out! R &R~! =D **


End file.
